


Violent Delights. Violent Ends.

by AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Canon Compliant, F/M, Grief, Kaiidth, Mourning, Regret, Tragedy, vulcan control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 14:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11625147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted/pseuds/AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted
Summary: T'Pol is no stranger to grief.





	Violent Delights. Violent Ends.

Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;  
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;   
Being vexed a sea nourish'd with loving tears:   
What is it else? a madness most discreet,   
A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.

-William Shakespeare

 

T’Pol knew grief from a young age. One of her earliest memories was of sitting around an urn, one containing her father's ashes. Her mother sat beside her, and across from them were her grandparents. None of them shone any emotions on their faces. T’Pol’s hand shook slightly, she sat on it so that no one would see and resolved to meditate and increase her mental shields. When her grandparents left no one spoke, they simply stood and left, no doubt communicating through their bond, pointer and middle finger touching pointer and middle. T’Pol would come to regret not knowing her father, just knowing the aftermath of his death. “Kaiidth.” her mother would tell her, “What is, is.”

After her father's death T’Pol was diligent in her studies. She applied to the Vulcan Science Academy, only to choose Starfleet, the up and coming fleet of the alliance between Vulcan, Earth, Andoria, and others. Her mother's death was a shock, it occurred so soon after she saw her mother last, as she dissolved the engagement bond with Koss and was cured of Pa’nar Syndrome. She remembered sitting in her quarters on the Enterprise and ignoring the chimes of the door, and of her communicator. Humans, of all people, would understand her illogical need to be alone with her thoughts. T'Pol couldn't help but picture her mother's eyes, so pale for a Vulcan's, clouding over as her daughter's control faltered. The last thing her mother saw was evidence of T'Pol's failures as a Vulcan. “Kaiidth.” She told herself almost feverously, “What is, is.”

The time she learned of Elizabeth, to the time she lost her, was brief. But she held the baby to her breast, tracing the points of her ears, gazing into her eyes. And then watching, as she died, the third person T'Pol had lost, and no doubt. The most painful. Images of being a mother, of holding a baby, of braiding her hair and letting her pursue all forms of illogic for Trip had already flooded her mind, the desire she never knew she possessed was overpowering her, and then it was wrenched from her. She had sat in her quarters, fully clad in Vulcan mourning robes and clutching the IDIC pendant. Trip had sat beside her, he spoke to her. And she couldn't look at him, he left. If only they had better scientists, if only they had found her sooner. “Kaiidth,” she whispered into the the hand her head was resting on, “What is, is.”

When Commander Tucker died she was speechless. They had not copulated in eight years, they're minds had not touched in seven. When he had died before, it was painful. But as quickly as it came, it was over. T’Pol stood over his casket as it was lowered into the ground.

“I'm sorry, but who are you?” came a voice, all too similar to Trip’s. She turned to a face, all too similar to Trip's and said nothing. Walking away from the casket, because who was she. They had a child together, but that was long before; she had loved him. But nothing came of love that was too painful to explore, to demonstrate. They weren't compatible. They loved each other, when they touched there were sparks, and when they were apart they missed each other. But when they were together they fought. They couldn't find a place where they were happy together, it was always too close, or too far away.

In the end they were too far away.

“T’Pol.” Jonathan said, perching on his couch and handing T’Pol a cup of tea, “I don't mean to complain, but what are you doing here?”

She looked around, the room was small, pictures sat on the mantle and Porthos lay in his bed by the hearth. She didn't know when she had gotten there. Jonathan placed a hand on her shoulder, “I know this isn't easy for you. God knows it isn't easy for me and I wasn’t-” he trailed off.

“I loved Commander Tucker.” she said, her voice steady and controlled, “I pushed him away for years, Jon. I distanced myself from him because the emotions he distilled in me frightened me. They frightened my Vulcan ideals, and now, I do not have the opportunity to push. I can't have the satisfaction of waking up and seeing him in the mess hall and knowing that he will still love me when he wakes up. That is the kind of love we shared, Jon. We were unable to suppress it, no matter the emotional stress it instilled when we were apart- or together.

“His death was illogical, Jon. Starfleet will say that he gave his life protecting a child, a girl, but he could have attempted to to set the bomb off from a distance; tried to get away from the explosion. He wanted to die. I drove him there. He looked at the Andorian girl and he saw Elizabeth, and he knew that he wanted to die with only his daughter on his mind, he wanted to die believing he was saving her.” T’Pol didn't look up from her tea.

Jonathan wiped tears from his eyes and looked at his dog, sleeping in his bed on the floor. “You two had lost so much, T’Pol, but that didn't mean you didn't love each other, it just meant you didn't know what to do about it.”

“I did know. I always knew what I had to do to relieve the pain of being with him. I was simply emotionally unable. I was emotionally weakened and it cost me a decade that I could have spent with the man I want so badly to spend my entire life with.”

“There's nothing we can do about it now.”

“No. Kaiidth.” T’Pol said, “What is. Is.”

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a Romeo and Juliet quote as is the Shakespeare quote. "Hell, Romeo and Juliet had a better.chance," a certain Commander said. 
> 
> T'Pol and Trip have always been the most tragic canonical couple for me. No matter how much they loved each other, they couldn't make it work, that's just shitty. No other way to put it.
> 
> Please call out errors!


End file.
